How to deal

I spent years with a heart of ice.

Numb to all feeling.

Laughing at the moments in life that made others cry.

Thinking it was for weaker men.

Only to thaw out years of emotion.

To feel every one

To feel human, in all my perfections

Embracing emotion, grateful that I am capable to feel.

Wondering why I ran from them, why the need to suppress them?

Only to realize that at that moment oh so long ago, I was doing the best I could, with what I had.

Its how I survived, it was a tool.

Now I am better equipped to deal with the wide array of emotions. 

Even though at moments I still feel like I can’t deal. 

I remind myself that it’s ok.

Lady Gaga-Bad Kids Song & Lyrics post. I LOVE THIS SONG!

We don't care what people say
We know the truth
Enough is enough with this horse shit
I am not a freak
I was born with my freedom
Don't tell me I'm less than my freedom

Read this if you have the courage!

Personal Stories From The First Edition | THE UNBELIEVER

DULL . . . listless . . . semicomatose . . . I lay on my bed in a famous hospital for alcoholics. Death or worse had been my sentence.

What was the difference? What difference did anything make? Why think of those things which were gone-why worry about the results of my drunken escapades? What the hell were the odds if my wife had discovered the mistress situation? Two swell boys . . . sure . . . but what difference would a corpse or an asylum imprisoned father make to them? . . . thoughts stop whirling in my head . . . that's the worst of this sobering-up process . . . the old think tank is geared in high-high . . . what do I mean high-high . . . where did that come from . . . oh yes, that first Cadillac I had, it had four speeds . . . had a high-high gear . . . insane asylum . . . how that bus could scamper . . . yes . . . even then liquor probably poisoned me. What had the little doctor said this morning . . . thoughts hesitate a moment . . . stop your mad turning . . . what was I thinking about . . . oh yes, the doctor.

COMPLETE THE HOUSECLEANING

Time after time, newcomers have tried to keep to themselves shoody facts about their lives. Trying to avoid the humbling experience of the Fifth Step, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. 

We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else their entire life story. -A.A, pg.72-73

TODAY'S READING'S-February 26

I have been reading three books, of which their sole purpose is to be read on a daily basis. These types of books are meant to give you short and sweet (well not always “sweet”) insightful and thought provoking reads. I am going to type out all three to share with you. Maybe it will help you in whatever you are going through. They certainly helped me. Oh and I guess I should talk briefly about why these three books.

Inspiration 2014

You’ve given me the power to be me,

Embrace all my flaws, mistakes, my imperfections,

Before I felt drained and old,

Now I have purpose and courage.

FIRST WORDS BY: GEMMIA L. VANZANT

One day my soul just opened up

and things started happenin'

things I can't quite explain

I mean

I cried and cried like never before

I cried tears of ten thousand mothers

I couldn't even feel anything because

I cried 'til I was numb.

MY JOURNEY WITH ADOPTION...In The Beginning

Now it occurred to me that there is more than one side to my feelings/story about and surrounding my adoption. The previous piece represents how I feel about it now.

From the very beginning, I always felt “different”; I knew it to be true with every fiber of my being. When I was 7 years young, my adoptive parents (I always felt weird saying that phrase) had the conversation with me.

My Journey with Adoption

Recently I went through my adoption file, it has always been an overwhelming experience for me, and every time I open it I cry.

Going through this was the beginning of a process. One that I had to start, it only makes sense that I started with anger & resentment.  That has been my process. From here, I can begin to heal. Since the beginning of my life, this has been a door that I never allowed myself to go through. A file that remains open. Repression only works for so long before curiosity kills the cat.

LOSS :(

Yet another loss,

My heart cant bear it,

So many this year,

And now you!

I am saddened that you gave up so easily,

Thinking of what new lows you are going to reach only to realize that you have already hit it.

My Final Paper For My Film Class

FANTASIA

Here we will be examining the movie Fantasia. As we read in our film textbook, under the chapter of animation the authors stated that Disney is the world’s largest entertainment conglomerate. This immediately sparked an interest and curiosity on the topic. Now given a chance to researching a topic of my choosing, I decided to examine the movie Fantasia. After screening this movie, it became clear how much time, money, and effort went into the making of this film and how it even came into existence.

Genocide in Canada

Unbelievable, but undeniable: Genocide in Canada

By Pamela Palmater [1] | November 6, 2011

I am moved to write this blog because of Minister Duncan's outrageous remarks that residential schools were NOT cultural genocide. This has led to discussions about whether or not the murder, torture and abuse of Indigenous peoples in this country "qualifies" as genocide, given the more recent, and much more distant atrocities committed in countries like Rwanda.

THE BALCONIES + WIDE MOUTH MASON + BIG SUGAR & ME.

Well the concert has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I would have written this post on Sunday. However, I was extremely tired and preparing my apartment for my new kitty.

Let me say this you certainly get your moneys worth, five hours, three sets, and one memorable experience.

The first band to hit the stage was The Balconies a trio consisting of brother & sister duo Jacquie and Steve Neville, followed by drummer Liam Jaeger. Honestly, I have never heard any of their songs before Saturday. Nevertheless, they totally rocked the stage, had my attention from the very beginning, I was actually excited to hear them for the first time. Great set guys!

IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

One of the most memorable romance comedies released by Columbia Pictures in 1934. Directed by Frank Capra, staring Claudette Colbert & Clark Gable.

GHOSTS

It’s been a decade and nothing,

I finally catch a glimpse,

I held you so high,

Oh how the mighty have fallen,

Things That Make Me Happy ;D

Pictures I Took For My Photography Class

FIFTY SHADES DARKER BOOK REVIEW

Book number two of the trilogy. An explosive plot line, Ana finds her way back into Christians Grey’s life. They find that it is impossible to live without each other. Christian realizes that he will do anything, be anything to be with Ana, and Ana cannot stop thinking about her Fifty no matter how hard she tries.

September 16

...no society of men and woman ever had a more urgent need for continuous effectiveness and permanent unity. We alcoholics see that we must work together and hang together, else most of us will finally die alone.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYNOUS, p. 561

THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM

Last night I had a horrible dream. I dreamt that I hated myself, but it was magnified by a thousand, it was eating my soul, bringing me to the brink of insanity. It was literally eating me alive.

All around me, people were leaving me, saying ‘I can’t do this anymore, I’m done!’ There is also an element of surrealism and my dream is nonlinear like a Tarantino movie.

One scene I am in the ocean swimming and I am in the direct path of a 500ft tidal wave. Nevertheless, I swim underneath it and through it, but there is wave after wave and I keep dogging them.