THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM

Last night I had a horrible dream. I dreamt that I hated myself, but it was magnified by a thousand, it was eating my soul, bringing me to the brink of insanity. It was literally eating me alive.

All around me, people were leaving me, saying ‘I can’t do this anymore, I’m done!’ There is also an element of surrealism and my dream is nonlinear like a Tarantino movie.

One scene I am in the ocean swimming and I am in the direct path of a 500ft tidal wave. Nevertheless, I swim underneath it and through it, but there is wave after wave and I keep dogging them.

Another scene is me back in White Rock walking down the street that we lived on 163A St. I pass Ricks house, he’s a guy I know from school. The house is yellow and white in color and there is a woman outside by the front door she is cuddling two kittens, she lays them down, putting them back with their litter. She does not see me or look at me, and she heads back into the house.

My house is only one house over. Before I know it I am walking up the driveway and I go in threw the front door. I see my mom in the dining room eating soup. She asks me if I want some, its homemade she says, I say yes, she disappears into the kitchen.    

Within a blink of an eye I am back down at the beach, Jay is there, my family is their and I am yelling at the top of my lungs but no one is paying attention to me. Jay is talking with my brother and he says look at her this is what I deal with everyday, it is exhausting. He follows that statement with a sentence that seems to repeat it’s self through out my dream ‘I’m done, I cant do this anymore’. Then he proceeds to make dinner plans with my family and I am not invited, I am still yelling the self hate is killing me and I yell and scream, I feel utter helplessness, despair, fear and alone.

I cannot emphasize enough how much I hated myself in my dream; the feeling was so extreme that I knew it, felt it within every fiber of my being. It was unnerving to say the least.

The sad part is this dream is my subconscious speaking. I did hate myself that much at one point in my life. Jay did say that to my family (look what I have to deal with). The waves represent the chaos in my life and how it would come at me wave after wave, and I would keep fighting, not to loose myself within it. I feel sad for myself, that I could hate myself that much.

This is a glimpse into what will be should I pick up another drink. This is my future.