My Journey with Adoption

Recently I went through my adoption file, it has always been an overwhelming experience for me, and every time I open it I cry.

Going through this was the beginning of a process. One that I had to start, it only makes sense that I started with anger & resentment.  That has been my process. From here, I can begin to heal. Since the beginning of my life, this has been a door that I never allowed myself to go through. A file that remains open. Repression only works for so long before curiosity kills the cat.

Questions arise:

Who is she?

What kind of person is she?

Do we have anything in common?

What kind of mother is she?

Do I have siblings?

Does she even want contact with me?

Does she ever think of me?

Does she know who my birth father is now? Is he alive or dead?

What did she name me before she gave me up?

Is she an addict?

Is she still alive?

Do I look like her?

How is my mum & brother going to handle this?

Would they want to help me connect with her?

How does this whole process work?

Do I want to know her, or OF her?

So many questions, so little answers. I mean after you read about my mother and the adoption. It gives you a profile. But I still have so many questions. I still am not sure where I want to go from here. Or maybe I am just scared.

Everything there is to know about my birth mother is summed up in one page. When I look at how little there is, that makes me sad. One page is not nearly enough to truly know someone. Im a going to take a leap of faith and share EVERY word that is on this page. Here we go.

BIRTH FAMILY HISTORY

REASONS FOR RELINQUISHMENT

Birth mother is fifteen years old attending school. She is in grade eight. She does not feel prepared to physically, emotionally, or mentally to care for a child. Birth mother is still very much a child herself. She became pregnant after meeting the birth father at a weekend rodeo. She had not seen or heard from him since. Mother did not realize she was pregnant until three months prior to birth of the child. At this time she came into the care of a doctor. It was at this time also that the mother decided to relinquish the child for adoption. She came to this decision after discussing the matter with the woman with whom she is living.

RACIAL AND ETHNIC ORGIN

Birth mother is full native, born and raised on the reserve. She has status. Birth mother is not currently living on the reserve as she is attending school and living with people who are not relatives on a room and board basis. The band pays for her room and board while she attends school.

PERSONAL ASPECTS OF MOTHER

Birth mother is about 5’ tall and of small build. She has dark brown eyes and straight dark brown hair. Mother has a quiet, gentle nature and is quite shy around people who she does not know very well. Birth mother is not a talkative person and has a tendency to hold her thoughts and feelings inside. She has experience much pain in her life, most of it to do with her immediate family. Her own mother died when she was quite young. Since that time she has lived with various friends and relatives. Currently, she has not has not seen or heard from her father for several months which appeared to cause her more grief than the relinquishment of her child. This mother has little if no contact with her own family since coming to town to go to school.

Birth mother is in grade eight. She is working on a modified program and has the services of a learning assistant. She is very uncertain about her future and seems to give it little thought.

Birth mother leads a fairly quiet life. She has a few friends who she sees at school. She has no interest in sports and seems to have little interest in anything else. She enjoys spending time with her friends.

PERSONAL ASPECTS OF FATHER

Nothing is known of the father except that he is full native.