L.I.F.E & D.E.A.T.H

We all face it at one point in our life, all of us will die.

L- live

I- Identity

F- Faith

E- Enlightenment.

&

D- depression

E- emotional

A- anger

T- traumatized

H- honor their life

Hmm it’s a bit of a morbid topic however it is something that I have faced a lot of over my short years on this planet.

The first person I lost was Grandma Harrison on my dad’s side, followed with my Grandma Morven on my mother’s side.

*On a small side note, I want to add that regardless of how close you are to the person who passes, it hurts. Its just a pet peeve of mine, people always ask ‘Where you close?’ THAT IS IRRELAVENT!

I guess if I had to sum it all up, on how I first felt about death, I would say I felt scared. When I very first experienced the phenomena of death, I was traumatized; I had never seen a dead person before. I did not know what to do, or how I was suppose to feel, and I felt anxious.  

I think after my initial encounter with death, I was desensitized to a certain extent. The next sting of death came when someone very close to me passed away. The most tragic and saddest of them all. My father, being a daddy’s girl, it completely changed my life.

It all started with my dad being diagnosed with prostate cancer. We tried everything to keep dad healthy and ward off or prolong his time with the cancer (ie: shark cartilage, was said to help) Eventually nothing worked and dad had troubles breathing at home, he ended up staying in the hospital during his final stretch. It was extremely painful and emotional for me. I did not have the inner strength to go and see him everyday. I believe I only saw him twice, which years later would serve as a major guilt factor. I see it now for what it is and that is, I did the best I could do with what I had. The few times I went to visit my dad in the hospital, it was followed by oblivion right after.

The night my father passed away, I was partying at an infamous beach house down in White Rock. We were all up super late. I was sitting in the living room on the couch, I felt something go right through me, like a spirit. It stopped me right in my tracks.

I don’t know what the hell possessed my to go to school that morning, I was still pretty cut and tired. But I went to Accounting 11, class was in, and the classroom door opened and in walked Collette McCash the school youth counselor, she said something very quite to the teacher, followed by asking me to come with her to her office.

This was the first time she had ever done this, so I knew immediately that something was up! As I felt all the blood drain from my face, you know the look, when you look at someone and it looks like they have seen a ghost. We were walking down the hallway that seemed to elongate and felt like I was walking in slow motion. The world seemed to slow right down. Collette told me that they pulled Kali from class too and that she was waiting for me at the head office. I started to cry uncontrollably, Collette said that Paul & Tammi were on their way to pick me up to take me home!   

I don’t remember to much after that, just going home and feeling how empty our home felt with out my fathers presence. I can’t tell you what happened from that time up to the time of the funeral service.

The funeral service was a day that I will never forget. My best friend picked me up and I am not sure if she came in or just waited out side for me. Every one I ever knew was there, my dad’s side of the family, my mums side and Marilyn & Isaac (they are A&D counselors, and close friends of mine)   

I remember when the service started, everyone was seated, and Paul, my mum and me slowly walked down the isle. It was like a backwards wedding. EVRYONES eyes were upon us, it solidified that my dad had passed, up until then I was numb. I could not stop crying, I don’t even remember what was said, I was deep in sorrow.

As it came to the end of the service the three of us stood in the reception area, and a line formed where everyone had their chance to give us their condolence’s. I must of herd ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ a million times. I was so overwhelmed I pretty much ran out of there, so I have no idea what happened afterwards and I have never dug up the courage to ask.

As far as other experience with death, there has been many. I have lost many friends, family & pets. I have lost 5 people that I have met/known in sobriety, their last drink is what killed them, and let me tell you going to 5 funerals reiterates that alcohol is poison. I also came to peace with the fact that I am an alcoholic; I can not drink, for it shall surely kill me.

My thoughts and beliefs around death have been constantly shifting, sometimes for the worst, sometimes for the best. In the beginning when I experienced my first death, it was scary, frightening, it raised many question about my own mortality. The next few deaths I was able to come to terms with, accept, love and celebrate. Now I have come full circle and am back to sadness, depression, loss, grief. Who know where it will be in a day or year from now. But regardless I always maintain hope no matter what, and under any and all circumstance’s I will not drink over it.