Where do I begin...

Been thinking about a lot of stuff lately

It’s been 4 years since I had a drink & 2 years since I popped pills & weed.

My last 2 experiences where extremely beneficial, I experienced true humility, and realized that the nature of my disease wants me dead (cunning baffling & powerful)

I can never have my guard down wither it be: Spiritually, Mentally, Physically & Emotionally

When I came in 4 years ago I was broken lost and tired.

But when I was out drinking I hated myself with a vengeance and really wanted to die. I did not believe that I was worthwhile, I thought I was a piece of garbage, waste of space & life.

I wanted to die yet I did not have the courage to take my own life or try any suicide attempts.

There is reason behind that as well, I believe that there is life after death, I believe in heaven and hell & purgatory. (Yes these are of religious affiliations, though I do not consider myself religious, more spiritual, guess it doesn’t matter what you call it)

And I know without a shadow of doubt that If I had chosen to take my own life, I would be denying myself from the place where I believe that my father waits for me.

Through this program, I encountered people that loved me when I could not love myself, and let me tell you that even in sobriety learning to love myself after so many years of hate was hard to do.

I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by unconditional love, I am so grateful for that because I realize that not everyone has that.

It’s been an epic journey so far, and I would not give this up for anything, my worst day sober, is better than my worst day drunk.

I have done a lot of work on myself internally, I ripped out all the stuff I use to drink over, looking at myself and the person I became through my addiction was extremely difficult.

Things have changed drastically now that I am clean.

I have a life that I could never of dreamed for myself, I have dignity, self-respect, self-forgiveness, self-love

What do I want to convey?

-That I loathed myself for years, wanting to die, yet no courage to take my own life, so instead I engaged in extremely high risk behaviour, putting my own life in danger in the hopes that something bad would happen

-I was lost for so long

-AA saved my life forever indebted

-never got a chance to develop who I was as a person, to busy drinking  

-Robbed me of 14 years of my life (half of my life), half of which is a black-out or a haze

-For the longest time other people could see the greatness in me, they could see the real me, but I was lost in the fog and couldn’t find my way back, back to myself.

-Now when people talk about me they say stuff like:

*I have a big heart

*I’m endearing

*Insanely gorgeous, beautiful

*Kind

*Loving

*Fearless

*that I have Perseverance

*Honest, reliable

*A good friend, call it as I see it

*Good listener

*Inspirational, I give back to my community!!!

I know it may sound like I am bragging, but I’m not It’s still really hard for me to accept all these gracious comment and to type them.

This is the person that I have become through AA, Now I am a:

*Good sister, daughter, niece, cousin, friend.

Anyways I don’t know if any of this makes sense?

My thoughts are scattered & complex, sometime though I know what I am thinking it’s hard to put into words.