Feeling GRIEF! :(

I feel fine most of the time. Then unexpectedly I feel out of sorts, or place or something. A pang of sadness, followed by anger, the all to familiar feeling. Its a lot easier for me to feel anger, then to feel sad or hurt, the old voice in my head (I have no idea where this thought originated from, most likely through personal experience) tells me ‘Its a sign of weakness’.
When I cry in front of others I feel vulnerable and exposed, no armor to guard myself. So, I ask myself what is going on. Why do I feel this way? My brain expertly puts the painful memory of loosing a loved one in the farthest corner of my mind, then without warning, if comes out from hiding totally blindsiding me. Today I remember that it is my Uncle Willard’s memorial, with a service to follow tomorrow. I really wish I could be there, unfortunately its over $500+ just for a one-way ticket. As I have learned from experience of loosing family or loved ones, attending a funeral or as I like to call it ‘A celebration of life’ you get a lot out of it. You get closure, you get to move forward through the grieving process, you can be vulnerable, your safe around family, you are all going through it together, you get to share a meal together, which I believe is the ultimate way to gain closure. I think of the breaking of bread, there is something spiritual about that; you hear laughter amongst one another, the heavy feeling in your heart lifts, even if ever so slightly. I find after I leave I have a new found appreciation for life, I value every second, minute and hour. As I write this I feel like it’s kinda sad that I can explain the grieving process so well, and with great detail. I mean that it is obvious that I have lost many. So many that I can walk a complete stranger through the feelings. Anyways I just had to write what I am feeling. Hope this may help someone?